sab | (no subject)

shaye said, in response to my last post:

I think the most insidious part of this whole thing is the implication that you're dragging him down, man. If you weren't "this way" everything would be roses in his life. What a moron.

Well, that's precisely the crux of it. He is fragile, needs a strong partner to help him, wants to help me be strong. Genuinely believes this is a kind and loving approach to the matter. "Tough love," maybe, but he's got his masculine ego to appease.

I asked him if he thought all our relationship problems would be solved if I were "more reliable," which is to say, woke up earlier, returned phone calls promptly, showed up on time. He said yes, he believed that would solve everything.

For HIM, maybe. Note, he didn't indicate how that would solve our relationship problems for ME.

That's a bit of my own fault though, because when he asks me what I want from the relationship (this doesn't happen often), or when we discuss it, there's always a lot of crying and apologizing after which he likes to roll his eyes and complain how he wasted so much time he could have better spent getting work done.

Were I to bring up now any of these matters I've discussed with you marvelous LJ folk, he'd tell me he couldn't deal with it now, he's really busy, I'm trying to make it all about me, I'm wasting his time.

So -- is it easier NOT to waste his time and just cut him loose? If that's the case, how do I say, "And by the way I'm not gonna walk your dog and house-sit for you for the five days you're gone" without that sounding passive-aggressive and like I'm whining? (When, of course, I am NOT)

Or do I wait till after he goes away for the weekend, trust that he'll come back more level-headed, and explain my feelings to him in a clear and non-hysterical manner and hope he's not too fragile or too busy to listen.

At the risk of sounding girly (and around these parts, that's the kiss of death), I find he doesn't go out of his way to pay attention to me. But it's this very left-handed manner where I ask "can I come over?" and he says, "Of course! You're always welcome here!" and in fact he gave me a key to his place. But when I show up he breezes around doing his own thing and I just sit there like furniture.

On the other hand, if I try to say, in a very level-headed manner, "is there a time when I can come over and you'll be able to pay attention to me?" he'll accuse me of being a needy, hysterical woman that he can't "deal with right now."

So. For example. We've talked on the phone a couple times today. He's been doing other things. I sent him a lengthy e-mail asking if there was a chance I'd get to see him before he left for Portland. His response, in its gleeful entirety:

"GOOD MORNING!!!!!"

Which was of course how I'd BEGUN my e-mail, but there were some words after that. That he chose not to address because he's too busy and preoccupied.

What should I do TODAY? Tomorrow?

Dear god I love you all so much. I can't thank you enough. If I can soften my skin or eat a sandwich for any of you, just say the word.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

The way you do this, the only way to do this, is to stop contact with him. Stop it.

You don't call. You don't return his calls. You don't talk to him, you don't see him. If you do see him, it's in a public place. I say you should do it right now. You should not spend another day agonizing about this. Leave now. Start focusing on you.

The reason for this lack of contact is because with someone who is a gifted manipulator, they can get you doubting yourself quickly. He knows your buttons, he's happy to push them. You wouldn't let yourself go near a person who was threatening your physical health; well, this guy is threatening your self-esteem and your confidence in a similar way. You walk away from it. You don't look back. You don't answer emails, you *don't engage.*

If you engage, he'll get you.

It's hard. I know. It's so so so hard. You can do it, though. The first week will be the toughest. You talk to us. You make plans and you keep them with other people. You reach out and you'll find a sea of hands reaching back.

Love you. Be strong. Get out of this. Really.

YES. Listen to this sage advice.

He is playing you, expecting you to continue to be a fine and good human being and to continue to care about him when he shows you through both words and actions that you clearly do not register on his Important Things meter. Do not be fooled by his appearance of sweetness. He has shown you his real feelings already, and they contradict every friendly half-assed gesture he makes.

Do not prolong it. Rip off the band aid now. It will sting for a while and then it won't.

You are not a bad person - nor a petty one - for not taking care of his shit while he's away. He's not your responsibility. If he wants to treat you like a burden rather than as a gift, then the inconveniences he experiences after you leave are HIS problem, not yours.

You are so close to doing exactly the right thing. Go forth and do.

Hugz of strength to you.

Yeah, what those two women said. Seriously, you don't need manipulative like this. You don't need controlling. In my mind, it's on that fuzzy-wuzzy border and on one side is emotional abuse. Maybe I'm hypersensitive to that stuff because I work in the domestic violence thing, but the contstant put-downs, the blaming you for his problems, those are all big big warning signs of someone who likes to abuse his power. Yuck, who needs that? You can do ever so much better, sweetheart.