sab | (no subject)

shaye said, in response to my last post:

I think the most insidious part of this whole thing is the implication that you're dragging him down, man. If you weren't "this way" everything would be roses in his life. What a moron.

Well, that's precisely the crux of it. He is fragile, needs a strong partner to help him, wants to help me be strong. Genuinely believes this is a kind and loving approach to the matter. "Tough love," maybe, but he's got his masculine ego to appease.

I asked him if he thought all our relationship problems would be solved if I were "more reliable," which is to say, woke up earlier, returned phone calls promptly, showed up on time. He said yes, he believed that would solve everything.

For HIM, maybe. Note, he didn't indicate how that would solve our relationship problems for ME.

That's a bit of my own fault though, because when he asks me what I want from the relationship (this doesn't happen often), or when we discuss it, there's always a lot of crying and apologizing after which he likes to roll his eyes and complain how he wasted so much time he could have better spent getting work done.

Were I to bring up now any of these matters I've discussed with you marvelous LJ folk, he'd tell me he couldn't deal with it now, he's really busy, I'm trying to make it all about me, I'm wasting his time.

So -- is it easier NOT to waste his time and just cut him loose? If that's the case, how do I say, "And by the way I'm not gonna walk your dog and house-sit for you for the five days you're gone" without that sounding passive-aggressive and like I'm whining? (When, of course, I am NOT)

Or do I wait till after he goes away for the weekend, trust that he'll come back more level-headed, and explain my feelings to him in a clear and non-hysterical manner and hope he's not too fragile or too busy to listen.

At the risk of sounding girly (and around these parts, that's the kiss of death), I find he doesn't go out of his way to pay attention to me. But it's this very left-handed manner where I ask "can I come over?" and he says, "Of course! You're always welcome here!" and in fact he gave me a key to his place. But when I show up he breezes around doing his own thing and I just sit there like furniture.

On the other hand, if I try to say, in a very level-headed manner, "is there a time when I can come over and you'll be able to pay attention to me?" he'll accuse me of being a needy, hysterical woman that he can't "deal with right now."

So. For example. We've talked on the phone a couple times today. He's been doing other things. I sent him a lengthy e-mail asking if there was a chance I'd get to see him before he left for Portland. His response, in its gleeful entirety:

"GOOD MORNING!!!!!"

Which was of course how I'd BEGUN my e-mail, but there were some words after that. That he chose not to address because he's too busy and preoccupied.

What should I do TODAY? Tomorrow?

Dear god I love you all so much. I can't thank you enough. If I can soften my skin or eat a sandwich for any of you, just say the word.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Jeez, this is deja vu. I'm sorry, I'm going to sound harsh, and honestly, I haven't been keeping up with all of the details you've posted about this stuff. I'm simply reacting to this single post, OK? And I'm human, and fallible.

But this is deja vu for me.

You're not a needy hysterical woman. You're not expecting more than you deserve when you want him to pay attention to you. You're not being an irrational headcase when you demand that he recognize that some of the relationship problems are his, some of them are yours, and some of them are both of yours.

Do whatever you want about the dogs, but get away from him. I've been you. I was you a couple years ago, and it's finally now that I'm getting off my ass and getting out of the detrimental mess that the relationship turned into after that, despite hours and hours and tons of effort and angst and hurt feelings and exhaustion... to fix it and untangle years of interdependence.

If he doesn't even recognize that the relationship's problems aren't only the inconveniences that annoy him, it's doomed. He doesn't see you or your needs at all.

Get. Out.

Elke is so, so right here.

And you need to think about this part: You're not a needy hysterical woman. You're just *not*, Em. He may be right about some of the things he thinks about you, or only a little bit off base on others, but that? You're the person I know who I'd vote "least likely to develop a "needy hysterical woman" complex. It's not you. It's him.

-J

snicker. truly. Em needy and hysterical within a relationship? heh.

I'm sitting here telling myself, "I'm not a needy hysterical woman, and I haven't been. I'm not expecting more than I deserve when I want him to pay attention to me, and I haven't been. I was not being an irrational headcase when I demanded that he recognize that some of the relationship problems were his, some of them were mine, and some of them were both of ours."

I didn't even realize until recently that I was actually starting to doubt... starting to think that some of his statements about me were true. And in doing so, I made them true. We have the power to be who we want ourselves to be, and when we envision ourselves powerless and weak, we can become so.

When we envision ourselves bright and true, we can become so. It's not easy when you've got a strong mental image of yourself as a basketcase, though. :-P

And I still haven't figured out where I'm going to move to. But I'm getting out of this relationship, and I'm getting out of this apartment complex, and it's all going to be fine. Real soon now.

{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

Don't know you at all, but I've got hugs to spare. So {{{{Elke}}}}. Good luck. You can do it.