sab

when someone you love is out there doing a hard thing valiantly, and there's nothing you can do to help, it hurts like a stone. Distilled emotions, boiled down to crystal and salt. And what's left is just that my arms aren't long enough and I always thought that if my heart got this big it would bust.

I've got an infection where the stitches were and because of aortic valve prolapse I have to call the cardiologist and make sure I'm not diseased. I've got a bandage the size of Tuesday on the side of my nose and I feel hopeless, helpless, a bruised and ugly idiot.

Because there's nothing for me to do but stare at my blank shallow eyes and this big-ass bandage, because my arms aren't long enough and this isn't about me and there's nothing, nothing I can do to help.

Like Galia in Jerusalem, shouldering an Uzi and being a normal kid.

and I fucking hate being so fucking helpless.