somewhere in a burst of glory, a sound becomes a song

as it turns out, I want all of Babylon 5 on VHS. Or DVD, that would be fine too. if you're out there, and you have these things, you ought to dub them for me. I will trade Aeryn's firstborn child -- speaking of which: read Pene's I Give You More Lives Than I Can Count. Even if you don't know Farscape. even if you don't care. Because it's beautiful, and perfect, and you will. Things about women, and love.

Because I'm thinking of this thing. I thought about it before. Jae will jump on it, I know, because I've read her stuff about Delenn. we'll talk more.

This thing, about Delenn, and Sheridan -- and Lennier too. this thing about being Chosen, about being the One. Together.

I mean, what's real life next to that? what's war next to that? And why, out here, does no one ever tell us that love brings peace?

I mean, seriously. How lucky are they?

(Tapes. DVDs. I have six episodes from season 2 and five episodes from season 3. Plus the Earth War twoparter. Not enough. Not enough. Really.)

oh- and. Come this weekend, I move back in with my parents. Into the basement, no less, in case we ever thought I wasn't a geek. I need to save money, squirrel away several grand so I can move, this summer, back to LA.

I'm taking steps. Watch me take steps.

And then, Tuesday (tuesday, G?) -- surgery.

Could be worse. Mom'll feed me chipped ice and pudding. and I'll watch B5 on Dad's DVD player. And I'll have Hawkeye and Edith.

And somewhere, in there, the kernels of this post-War Without End AU, with Delenn, and Sheridan, and Lennier, and this weird sort of mislaid love that stands between reality and victory. (but only if you fake it.)

And if I were Lennier -- yeah, maybe I'd have done it too. joined the Rangers. betrayed them all. Because where is this peace they kept advertising? this "terrible, terrible price"? Or was it just an excuse, like every other excuse, to bring together the One who Is and the One Who Will Be?

or is that what the war was about?

(anyway, while I was waiting, I wrote this. first attempt at making sense of Lennier. Because, you know, Bill Mumy has the same birthday as I do.)

I found my first shrink in LA over the phone, because my notes -- in the margin, next to the list of all the Jewish women in Beverly Hills (made that from my insurance book) -- I'd written, "strange accent. Sounds like Delenn."

that's where I belong

Mmm. also.

Token. Kelly. Rachelena, moving a couch in 2002.

Change is good, I think. I'm proud to know people like this. grownups.

as they say: tacklehugs and I'm still here.

darling Lorraine

Or, "because I'm an idiot" --

B5 slash list. Folks. Join me, I don't want to be alone in the madness.

The Zocalo, for all and sundry. And, Jae, I'll find you. I wish I was sleeping. I always get in this kind of trouble. But I've got to talk to the doctor today and get pictures taken.

coffee, instead. In the Zocalo.

drop a stone in the abyss

Thanks to starkiller, though I don't believe a word of it. I got sorted into Slytherin, damnit!


Which HP Kid Are You?

additionally, I still haven't slept. Knocked off about 45 minutes about an hour ago. Woke up to the sound of water running, couldn't sleep again after that.

Then again, it's always like this, day after a new fandom. or often. I also got stuff done, and made phone calls, and made amends with my mother, and did some work for my father, and altogether played responsible, when what I was thinking was --

."You are the one who was. You are the one who is. And you are the one who will be."
."I love you." "I know."
."We will meet again."
."If you go to Z'Ha'Dum, you will die."
."You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen."
."Michael! I was gonna kick your butt for...something or other."
."There can always be new beginnings. Even for people like us."

I found this other list, the DarkB5fic list on y!groups, but it doesn't seem terrifically active either. I sent them a letter. maybe we'll combine our powers.

I need good B5 slash. I'd settle for mediocre B5 slash, and good B5 fic in general. I need to butt heads with people who are writing it.

I need to know why I'm obsessed with Lennier, and why I love Delenn so much, when she's everything I usually hate in a TV character. I need to find out what makes Ivanova tick. I need to channel, need to feel the love between the Anla'shok Na and the One.

I can't sleep, and it's not because I'm dreaming I'm in C&C naked, or because Ivanova's there with a Raven telling me I'm the hand. but it might as well be, you know? Sound of water dripping and a new fandom, a new OLD fandom -- you remember the feeling, I know -- and these new tiny people in my head.

that's all for now. I'll look around. it's gotta be out there.

Funding for this program was made possible by grants from the Anla-shok memorial fund.