I'm a woman, but don't worry, I don't exist.

[sab]

runpunkrun is bringin' em down on Leprechauns and feminism, look here and see.

I am on Sonata. Which is like Ambien, but stranger. Ambien gave me a sort of drifty, peaceful, deep sleep, with gentle hallucinations before hand. Sonata gives me four solid hours of sleep, with CRAZY stoned-tired and hallucinations before hand. Plus tunnel vision, so I can only see one word at once with my eyes as I scan across the page.

Knowing that-

I'm leaving for the funeral tomorrow. My parents are coming, probably at around 7, to take me and my sister to the airport motel for the night, so we can hop on the early flight to SF. The funeral's at five, and if I know David's wife Michelle, and his sister Jill, and her husband Chris, the kids are gonna want do drink. So if there's any productive cathartic David-memory drinking, I'll do that. It might be nice, to hang with David's friends, to get it out of my system. I dread my parents and my sister, though dread's not the right word.

I'm worried for my dad, and worried because the only time I ever saw him cry was when we watched "Groundhog Day," and he's delivering a eulogy. David was like a son to him, and also the only male descendant of our line. So now Dad's last. Again. I want to take care of my father but I don't know how, and I'm bad with seeing my parents mortal anyway, plus I'll bet there's depths of family intimacy that should NOT be plumbed, inner personal weaknesses that just shouldn't be passed from father to daughter. STill, I want to take care of him. For him to know I'm there, and how much I love him. And David.

THat will be hard, because Lizzie will also be there, demanding of our time, our attention. At times like these my sister and my father like to talk about Family. What family means to us. What our family IS. We consider family Therapy. We consider family meetings, family rules. We discuss the responsibilites that come with the job.

Dude -- have your parents ever sat you down and said, "let's figure out what the notion of 'family' means to us?"

This is verbatim. My entire childhood. Still hasn't stopped.

See the problem. And with the funeral bringing the questions of mortality and love and loyalty and family to the fore (at least, as far as Lizzie and dad are concerned), they're going to want a family meeting. Family therapy. To discuss hte notion of family, and also life is precious.

And the problem again is, it's a funeral. It's my father and my sister. I want to take CARE of them, have them deal with their grief in the best way they can. Be there for them.

Whereas for me, family therapy is the last thing I need to help me deal with my grief. I love David. So much. I'd like to take a little time for me and him, or even just for him, for me to get the chance to remember him as a person.

But, see above, family is everything, and Aunt Lee lost a son, so I'm not gonna be more than a foot away from my dad for the whole thing.

Then Saturday night, we see. wearemany is having a birthday party. And I want her to rescue me off to some bar where we can drink and talk about David. I'd bring Lizzie, I'd bring any friend or relation who needed a drink. But to my parents, it's me NEGLECTING my family.

At times like these, we need a campfire and a drum circle.

In conclusion, I'll be back Sunday morning. Not sure when. My fear of flying pales beside my fear of my father at a funeral.

Comments

[mz-bstone.livejournal.com]

I want to take care of my father but I don't know how, and I'm bad with seeing my parents mortal anyway, plus I'll bet there's depths of family intimacy that should NOT be plumbed, inner personal weaknesses that just shouldn't be passed from father to daughter. STill, I want to take care of him. For him to know I'm there, and how much I love him. And David.

You know, I think I know this place. It's hard and it's scary as hell. But ... you're probably going to be able to do it. Just being *there*, sometimes, is taking care. I wish you luck, and peace.

B

[unwinding.livejournal.com]

i'm thinking of you, have been since i heard.

j

[cazling.livejournal.com]

O E my E. *hugs*

[therealjae.livejournal.com]

You know, I never fail to be impressed with the way you put these kinds of things into words.

-J

[prillalar]

*hugs*, sweetie. I'll be thinking of you.

[qowf.livejournal.com]

As someone who has recently been in a similar place, I will offer you crumbs of advice, and really, that's all they are, crumbs.

You can be there for your family as much as you can. But if your dad needs to cry, then he will cry. He's got to let it out however he sees fit. And see, the thing is, your presence means you are there for them. You will need to grieve as well and you may be surprised when that will occur. I know I was.

Yes, you want to be there for your family. So, be there and let that happen as it happens. Emotionally charged situations like these can only be taken minute by minute. Just be there, Em. It is more than enough.

I love you truly deeply. You and yours are very much in my thoughts. David sounded like a great human being. When a great person departs to go on to the next thing, the whole world loses.

[pene.livejournal.com]

I don't know why I'm replying here. But you're (hurrah!) asleep and I love you and miss you.

But there's this, where your mother knows, or is starting to know that sometimes the overwhlming family is not the right thing. And she will be looking after your dad and Lz and she will love you for looking after them too. You know how to look after them, you know what they need. And it's hard cause they need it so much but you're good at it. I'm so proud of you for keeping it all together this past year. All people in your situation would find it hard.

There's the thing where *I* know that you love all of them so much but that sometimes they're wrong. You are not always the bad guy here. Which is something I wish you could know when you're in the place where they're yelling. I think sometimes you do.

You love David and you are good at love. You love Michelle too. You love your dad and Lz and they know.

I hope it will be better than you anticipate. I hope it will be more hugging and less, well frankly, less talk. And no lists. Your family is incredible and terrifying at once.

I wish I were there.

The other thing I know is that you're back Sunday (so soon, even now) and you and I, babe? I think we should do nothing at all this week.

zox

[tangleofthorns.livejournal.com]

You're wonderful. Take all our thoughts with you.

[runpunkrun]

You can do it, Em. Be there for your family, but take care of yourself, too. I'll be thinking of you.

[unsated.livejournal.com]

To discuss the notion of family, and also life is precious.

You can tell them from me that life is cheap. Laptops are expensive.

They may not know who I am though.