(no subject)
Oct. 15th, 2003 05:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sabDelayed Sleep Phase Syndrome is a real thing. I just. I can't deal with trying to overcome it and trying to defend myself and trying to handle people who laugh in my face and say "buck up, just get over it!" because, swear to god, babe, that doesn't help a lick.
The sleep doctor yesterday said that trying to retrain my body to adjust to a daytime sleep cycle, after 27 years of conditioning, is like trying to change the pattern of my heartbeat. But I am TRYING.
DSPS -- I want to find, like, a twelve-step kind of support group in the LA area.
I hate hating myself because of this. I hate it. It's ruining my relationships, my career, my life. And I am trying so hard and it's just. Ah, god.
I tried to call the sleep clinic to talk to my shrink because I was so upset. But they close at 4:30, highly ironic for a center catering to DSPS patients, no?
They say with other diseases, like alcoholism, you have to hit bottom before you can recover. Cf., relationship issues, job issues. Miserable and broke. I have HIT BOTTOM.
To the naysayers out there: JESUS H. CHRIST, IF IT WAS AS SIMPLE AS JUST "GOING TO BED EARLIER" DON'T YOU THINK I'D HAVE FIXED IT WHEN IT WAS FLUNKING ME OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL? COLLEGE? LOSING ME JOBS? DO YOU THINK I ENJOY LYING AWAKE *EXHAUSTED* AND MISERABLE ALL NIGHT? DO YOU THINK I *TRY* TO SLEEP THROUGH MY ALARM?
I am so miserable; I am so angry at the world, at myself, I could spit. I'm Julianne Moore in Safe. It's a disease, goddamn it, and that's not an excuse for my behaviour but I'm fucking tired of apologizing for my very EXISTANCE, sick of apologizing just for being WHO I AM.
I want. So badly. To fix this.
ETA:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
prowler323, talk to me about support groups, will you? I don't know a thing.
The sleep doctor yesterday said that trying to retrain my body to adjust to a daytime sleep cycle, after 27 years of conditioning, is like trying to change the pattern of my heartbeat. But I am TRYING.
DSPS -- I want to find, like, a twelve-step kind of support group in the LA area.
I hate hating myself because of this. I hate it. It's ruining my relationships, my career, my life. And I am trying so hard and it's just. Ah, god.
I tried to call the sleep clinic to talk to my shrink because I was so upset. But they close at 4:30, highly ironic for a center catering to DSPS patients, no?
They say with other diseases, like alcoholism, you have to hit bottom before you can recover. Cf., relationship issues, job issues. Miserable and broke. I have HIT BOTTOM.
To the naysayers out there: JESUS H. CHRIST, IF IT WAS AS SIMPLE AS JUST "GOING TO BED EARLIER" DON'T YOU THINK I'D HAVE FIXED IT WHEN IT WAS FLUNKING ME OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL? COLLEGE? LOSING ME JOBS? DO YOU THINK I ENJOY LYING AWAKE *EXHAUSTED* AND MISERABLE ALL NIGHT? DO YOU THINK I *TRY* TO SLEEP THROUGH MY ALARM?
I am so miserable; I am so angry at the world, at myself, I could spit. I'm Julianne Moore in Safe. It's a disease, goddamn it, and that's not an excuse for my behaviour but I'm fucking tired of apologizing for my very EXISTANCE, sick of apologizing just for being WHO I AM.
I want. So badly. To fix this.
ETA:
prowler323, talk to me about support groups, will you? I don't know a thing.
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no subject
Date: 2003-10-16 10:14 am (UTC)I can't say anything about your disease, except I hope it gets better. But as one who has spent years getting odd looks about my migraines and being told it is all in my head - I completely understand the desire to knock the shit out of someone for it.
Only you know your body and the shit it puts you through.
I find that some people have no clue. Other want to help so badly that they speak without thinking, but their heart is in the right place. And you will always have people who think that it is just a joke. Sleep disorders, migraines, depression, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome the fact you can't x-ray it and say - look here it is - right there. People have a hard time wrapping their arms around it.
Be well, I hope it gets better for you soon.