sab: (frank burns eats worms)
[personal profile] sab
[livejournal.com profile] shaye said, in response to my last post:

I think the most insidious part of this whole thing is the implication that you're dragging him down, man. If you weren't "this way" everything would be roses in his life. What a moron.

Well, that's precisely the crux of it. He is fragile, needs a strong partner to help him, wants to help me be strong. Genuinely believes this is a kind and loving approach to the matter. "Tough love," maybe, but he's got his masculine ego to appease.

I asked him if he thought all our relationship problems would be solved if I were "more reliable," which is to say, woke up earlier, returned phone calls promptly, showed up on time. He said yes, he believed that would solve everything.

For HIM, maybe. Note, he didn't indicate how that would solve our relationship problems for ME.

That's a bit of my own fault though, because when he asks me what I want from the relationship (this doesn't happen often), or when we discuss it, there's always a lot of crying and apologizing after which he likes to roll his eyes and complain how he wasted so much time he could have better spent getting work done.

Were I to bring up now any of these matters I've discussed with you marvelous LJ folk, he'd tell me he couldn't deal with it now, he's really busy, I'm trying to make it all about me, I'm wasting his time.

So -- is it easier NOT to waste his time and just cut him loose? If that's the case, how do I say, "And by the way I'm not gonna walk your dog and house-sit for you for the five days you're gone" without that sounding passive-aggressive and like I'm whining? (When, of course, I am NOT)

Or do I wait till after he goes away for the weekend, trust that he'll come back more level-headed, and explain my feelings to him in a clear and non-hysterical manner and hope he's not too fragile or too busy to listen.

At the risk of sounding girly (and around these parts, that's the kiss of death), I find he doesn't go out of his way to pay attention to me. But it's this very left-handed manner where I ask "can I come over?" and he says, "Of course! You're always welcome here!" and in fact he gave me a key to his place. But when I show up he breezes around doing his own thing and I just sit there like furniture.

On the other hand, if I try to say, in a very level-headed manner, "is there a time when I can come over and you'll be able to pay attention to me?" he'll accuse me of being a needy, hysterical woman that he can't "deal with right now."

So. For example. We've talked on the phone a couple times today. He's been doing other things. I sent him a lengthy e-mail asking if there was a chance I'd get to see him before he left for Portland. His response, in its gleeful entirety:

"GOOD MORNING!!!!!"

Which was of course how I'd BEGUN my e-mail, but there were some words after that. That he chose not to address because he's too busy and preoccupied.

What should I do TODAY? Tomorrow?

Dear god I love you all so much. I can't thank you enough. If I can soften my skin or eat a sandwich for any of you, just say the word.

Date: 2003-10-16 05:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lenadances.livejournal.com
I asked him if he thought all our relationship problems would be solved if I were "more reliable," which is to say, woke up earlier, returned phone calls promptly, showed up on time. He said yes, he believed that would solve everything.

Right, because clearly the only problems in this relationship are the inconveniences that you caused by being so unreliable. Right. Right. Jesus, this has made me so angry I can't see straight. That sorry egotistical jackasshole son of a BITCH.

For HIM, maybe. Note, he didn't indicate how that would solve our relationship problems for ME.

What, *you* can have problems? But he's clearly perfect. And since he's perfect, you can't possibly have problems with him. ::eyes roll completely out of head:: I repeat: son of a BITCH.

That's a bit of my own fault though,

::HITS BUZZER:: You know, unless you're pulling a George Tenet here in the "I'm sorry I didn't knock myself silly trying to make things clear to this moron when he was intent on fucking things up, that makes it my fault" way, this is incorrect. It's looking more and more from his e-mails that if he doesn't care to deal with something, he ignores it, and ignores it hard-core. It appears that you've been checking in to see how he's doing and if you can do something for him at least once a day, and apparently it has never occurred to him to check back with you on your needs.

Ya know, that's just not right.

because when he asks me what I want from the relationship (this doesn't happen often), or when we discuss it, there's always a lot of crying and apologizing after which he likes to roll his eyes and complain how he wasted so much time he could have better spent getting work done.

Well, that's certainly the way to a girl's heart. I can see how you'd want to hold onto this one. [/acid voice]

You know what? I have to agree with what Lorrie said the other day: I just don't get what you're getting out of this relationship. It's not hot sex, it's not intimacy, it's not support, it's not admiration, it's not acceptance, it's not unconditional love. Fucked if I know what you're doing here, baby girl.

Today, you leave. I agree with the plans laid out by everyone else: don't even give him a chance to respond. Leave a note and let him bitch and whine about his ex who didn't understand him to the next woman sucked in by his little routine. Let her deal with it, let her get cheated on and get no sex. In the meantime, you go out and go elsewhere and do not, do not, do not talk to this man.

If you forget why you're doing it, we'll be glad to remind you. We're chatty.

Love you, sweetie. Get out, get gone.

Date: 2003-10-16 05:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lenadances.livejournal.com
Also: here's the thing to remember here. While you are in this relationship, you are not in control of it. He's got the steering wheel, he's driving all over the road, and he's sure as hell not asking you for directions. He has the power.

The only power that you unequivocably have in this relationship is to leave. He's going to try to take that power away from you, too, by making you question your own judgement and question your own instincts and make you think you're treating him horribly.

Because spending time with him was so important that he'd never bother setting it up himself.

Because you were so important to him that he'd never ask if there was anything *he* could do for *you*.

Because he loved you so much he would go out to bad-mouth you to other women.

Because he needed you so much that he'd spend lots of quality time ignoring your presence

Because he cared so much about your relationship that he blamed all of its problems on you.

Yeah, it's sure gonna hurt him that you're gone. Sheesh. You deserve better, darlin'.

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