(no subject)

shaye said, in response to my last post:

I think the most insidious part of this whole thing is the implication that you're dragging him down, man. If you weren't "this way" everything would be roses in his life. What a moron.

Well, that's precisely the crux of it. He is fragile, needs a strong partner to help him, wants to help me be strong. Genuinely believes this is a kind and loving approach to the matter. "Tough love," maybe, but he's got his masculine ego to appease.

I asked him if he thought all our relationship problems would be solved if I were "more reliable," which is to say, woke up earlier, returned phone calls promptly, showed up on time. He said yes, he believed that would solve everything.

For HIM, maybe. Note, he didn't indicate how that would solve our relationship problems for ME.

That's a bit of my own fault though, because when he asks me what I want from the relationship (this doesn't happen often), or when we discuss it, there's always a lot of crying and apologizing after which he likes to roll his eyes and complain how he wasted so much time he could have better spent getting work done.

Were I to bring up now any of these matters I've discussed with you marvelous LJ folk, he'd tell me he couldn't deal with it now, he's really busy, I'm trying to make it all about me, I'm wasting his time.

So -- is it easier NOT to waste his time and just cut him loose? If that's the case, how do I say, "And by the way I'm not gonna walk your dog and house-sit for you for the five days you're gone" without that sounding passive-aggressive and like I'm whining? (When, of course, I am NOT)

Or do I wait till after he goes away for the weekend, trust that he'll come back more level-headed, and explain my feelings to him in a clear and non-hysterical manner and hope he's not too fragile or too busy to listen.

At the risk of sounding girly (and around these parts, that's the kiss of death), I find he doesn't go out of his way to pay attention to me. But it's this very left-handed manner where I ask "can I come over?" and he says, "Of course! You're always welcome here!" and in fact he gave me a key to his place. But when I show up he breezes around doing his own thing and I just sit there like furniture.

On the other hand, if I try to say, in a very level-headed manner, "is there a time when I can come over and you'll be able to pay attention to me?" he'll accuse me of being a needy, hysterical woman that he can't "deal with right now."

So. For example. We've talked on the phone a couple times today. He's been doing other things. I sent him a lengthy e-mail asking if there was a chance I'd get to see him before he left for Portland. His response, in its gleeful entirety:

"GOOD MORNING!!!!!"

Which was of course how I'd BEGUN my e-mail, but there were some words after that. That he chose not to address because he's too busy and preoccupied.

What should I do TODAY? Tomorrow?

Dear god I love you all so much. I can't thank you enough. If I can soften my skin or eat a sandwich for any of you, just say the word.