(no subject)
Oct. 15th, 2003 05:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sabDelayed Sleep Phase Syndrome is a real thing. I just. I can't deal with trying to overcome it and trying to defend myself and trying to handle people who laugh in my face and say "buck up, just get over it!" because, swear to god, babe, that doesn't help a lick.
The sleep doctor yesterday said that trying to retrain my body to adjust to a daytime sleep cycle, after 27 years of conditioning, is like trying to change the pattern of my heartbeat. But I am TRYING.
DSPS -- I want to find, like, a twelve-step kind of support group in the LA area.
I hate hating myself because of this. I hate it. It's ruining my relationships, my career, my life. And I am trying so hard and it's just. Ah, god.
I tried to call the sleep clinic to talk to my shrink because I was so upset. But they close at 4:30, highly ironic for a center catering to DSPS patients, no?
They say with other diseases, like alcoholism, you have to hit bottom before you can recover. Cf., relationship issues, job issues. Miserable and broke. I have HIT BOTTOM.
To the naysayers out there: JESUS H. CHRIST, IF IT WAS AS SIMPLE AS JUST "GOING TO BED EARLIER" DON'T YOU THINK I'D HAVE FIXED IT WHEN IT WAS FLUNKING ME OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL? COLLEGE? LOSING ME JOBS? DO YOU THINK I ENJOY LYING AWAKE *EXHAUSTED* AND MISERABLE ALL NIGHT? DO YOU THINK I *TRY* TO SLEEP THROUGH MY ALARM?
I am so miserable; I am so angry at the world, at myself, I could spit. I'm Julianne Moore in Safe. It's a disease, goddamn it, and that's not an excuse for my behaviour but I'm fucking tired of apologizing for my very EXISTANCE, sick of apologizing just for being WHO I AM.
I want. So badly. To fix this.
ETA:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
prowler323, talk to me about support groups, will you? I don't know a thing.
The sleep doctor yesterday said that trying to retrain my body to adjust to a daytime sleep cycle, after 27 years of conditioning, is like trying to change the pattern of my heartbeat. But I am TRYING.
DSPS -- I want to find, like, a twelve-step kind of support group in the LA area.
I hate hating myself because of this. I hate it. It's ruining my relationships, my career, my life. And I am trying so hard and it's just. Ah, god.
I tried to call the sleep clinic to talk to my shrink because I was so upset. But they close at 4:30, highly ironic for a center catering to DSPS patients, no?
They say with other diseases, like alcoholism, you have to hit bottom before you can recover. Cf., relationship issues, job issues. Miserable and broke. I have HIT BOTTOM.
To the naysayers out there: JESUS H. CHRIST, IF IT WAS AS SIMPLE AS JUST "GOING TO BED EARLIER" DON'T YOU THINK I'D HAVE FIXED IT WHEN IT WAS FLUNKING ME OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL? COLLEGE? LOSING ME JOBS? DO YOU THINK I ENJOY LYING AWAKE *EXHAUSTED* AND MISERABLE ALL NIGHT? DO YOU THINK I *TRY* TO SLEEP THROUGH MY ALARM?
I am so miserable; I am so angry at the world, at myself, I could spit. I'm Julianne Moore in Safe. It's a disease, goddamn it, and that's not an excuse for my behaviour but I'm fucking tired of apologizing for my very EXISTANCE, sick of apologizing just for being WHO I AM.
I want. So badly. To fix this.
ETA:
prowler323, talk to me about support groups, will you? I don't know a thing.
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no subject
Date: 2003-10-16 03:25 am (UTC)Maybe you can "fix" it but even if you can't people should effing stop talking about when you should go to bed. I'll kick some for you if you want.